Macbeth Act 2 Scene 3
“What three things does drink especially provoke?” quotes William Shakespeare.
“Marry, sir, nose-painting, sleep, and urine. Lechery, sir, it provokes and unprovokes. It provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance. Therefore, much drink may be said to be an equivocator with lechery. It makes him, and it mars him; it sets him on, and it takes him off; it persuades him, and disheartens him; makes him stand to and not stand to; in conclusion, equivocates him in a sleep, and, giving him the lie, leaves him.”
In modern day language this translates as: Drinking turns your nose red, it puts you to sleep and it makes you pee. It turns you into an old lech. Too much drink gives you the horn but you can’t actually have it off. It gives you an erection then you lose it. To conclude, it makes you pass out with a boner and needing to pee.
He knew what he was talking about that Bill Shakespeare. I know a number of men in this pub who’d identify with that sonnet.
Only last week, Jack the Lad was so pissed he almost wet himself as he couldn’t move fast enough to get to the loo. After he’d relieved himself and regained his composure, he couldn’t find a number in his blackberry so he asked me to scroll through his contact list to look for it.
“A” I started “A….er…. Alicia…Ali…..B….Ben…. Bundles…. Bundles??”
“Yeah, coz he has a lot”
“C….Clint…. Clubcard……Customer Care…… D…. DMC1…. DMC2…..Doctor….E….Egghead…..”
“No explanation needed there!”
“E…. Ewan….F… Fleet……G……H…..I….Inch…Inch? why?…who’s that then?”
“Little Gary – he’s about that size..”
“that’s supposed to read Jay-mee – I just couldn’t spell it…”
“K….L….Lisa…Lisa Home…..Lisa Lick… before you say anything Jack I don’t want to know why she’s in here as ‘Lisa Lick’……I think I can guess…L…..M…..N…O….P…Q…R ….S…T…Tommy…. Tim…. Terry Teeth!?……“Yeah, they’re like tombstones!”
“Yeah!! That’s the one: T-Bone… what’s the number….”
“T-bone? Why T-bone?”
“Coz his surnames Stake. It’s Tony Stake, innit. My pal!!”
I handed the phone back to Jack, he slid off his bar stool and took the call outside out of earshot.
“You are the milk of human kindness” said Davis. “Will you look after this package for me whilst I nip next door to the bookies?”
“Take it with you – I’m going home soon, my shift ends in about 10minutes. Sorry!”
As Davis made his way out of the pub – back in came Jack looking troubled.
“This is a sorry sight” said Lester quietly to me.
“Whatsup?” I asked Jack once he’d resettled on his stool.
Jack looked like he was about to explode with anger. “T-Bone told me he knew a bird who could get boxes of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes for a pound. So I gave him a fiver to give to her and told him to get me a load. He’s only come back and told me he’s got ‘em but the cost is £29.95! turn’s out she couldn’t get ‘em and bought a load from fuckin’ Sainsburys!! I could’ve dun that meself! Fuckin’piss takin’ cunts the pair of ‘em. Thirty quids worf of fuckin’ cereal!”
“Jack, it’s no big deal” I said trying to placate him.
“fack orf! You don’t go round feeding shit to people, know whorra- mean? If you can’t get’em – don’t’. Don’t offer then fuck me off with the correct price. I don’t really like Crunchy Nut – but I fought at a quid a box, why not?. Fuckin Cunts”
Lester beckoned me over the bar “What the fuck is up with him? Shouting?”
I replied “It’s a tale, told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing”.
“Wot?” said Lester.
“He doesn’t mean anything by it. He’s just angry and off-loading….”
“That’s what drink does to ya” he said.
“I can think of another three things it does to a man as well” …….